Picture This...

You wake up on your wedding day. Moving the blinds aside, the light from your bedroom window spills in, lighting up the room. Somehow, the morning seems to know that today is a special one.

You cleanse, get dressed, and soon, you make your way to the venue. There's a spring in your step as you greet the guests and make any last-minute preparations. You take your place before the ceremony. Then something truly special happens. No amount of planning could have prepared you for seeing your fiancé as the wedding march begins. The audience rises, but the only sight in focus is your person, the only one you can imagine spending the rest of your life with.

The Shift

Pretty soon, years have passed. The wedding bouquet has wilted, your suntans from the honeymoon have faded, and life together starts feeling like a chore rather than dream it once was. What happened? How did something so special turn into a nightmare?

You've Tried Everything—So Why Isn't It Working?

You feel you have tried everything. You've read countless marriage self-help books droning on about quick and easy tips, but none of the "proven practices" have changed a thing. You and your partner feel more out of sync than ever.

You ask yourself all sorts of questions: How did I get here? Where did that spark go? Is this what my life is meant to be? Try as you might, no answers come. The passionate love you once cherished seems gone forever.

You're Not Alone

Does this sound like you? Do you doubt that your marriage can go the distance?

Since 2021, there are over 900,000 divorces in the U.S. yearly, and over 2M marriages (US Census Bureau). That means that approximately 45% of marriages end in divorce per year.

Although divorce has declined over the last decade, it remains a commonality among married couples in their first 14 years (US Census Bureau).

The Solution

These statistics can seem daunting, but our counselors, Glade and Roman Daniels-Brown, believe that you can be in the 55%-- that your marriage is not only salvageable, but with the right tools and constant commitment, it can be better than you could ever imagine.

In their book, The 7-8-9 Marriage, they say, "Most people believe love is the key to having a great relationship. This is false. I often hear one spouse ask another, 'Why do you keep acting this way or behaving like that toward me if you love me?' Love is required as a foundation of marriage. However, skills are necessary to build a solid structure on that foundation. That structure you will build is closeness" (Daniels-Brown, 10).

So, how can you take your foundation and get back that closeness you once felt? Here's some examples from the book:

Rule #1: Use Gentle Beginnings

Say you had a long day at work, and you come home to a big mess in the kitchen. This was the last thing you wanted to see. Filled with rage, you go confront your spouse. What happens next is almost always something that isn't thought through-- it's a knee-jerk reaction. You burst into the room where your spouse is watching TV saying something like, "We need to talk right now! So, you do have eyes, huh? The house is a mess!" After this explosive beginning, what do you think happens next? Does the problem really get solved? Spoiler alert: it doesn't.

When a partner starts a conversation this way, they automatically have assumed how they believe their spouse will react. And naturally, the spouse rushes to defend themselves. We are left with two people talking at each other and not really hearing each other. This was all because of the way the first person started the conversation.

Gentle beginnings means that every time you start a conversation with your spouse, you should be careful regarding your tone, volume, and attitude.

If a conversation starts badly, it will surely end badly.

This choice, of course, takes practice, but if you choose to start with gentle beginnings, you will definitely see a difference.

Rule #2: Limit Discussions to 2-5 Minutes

Despite what you think, you and your spouse shouldn't discuss relationship issues for longer than a couple minutes at a time.

This rule is especially hard for the long-winded partner. You know who you are. It might be a panicked thought for you--that in 2-5 minutes you can't possibly say all you need to say, but we promise that the closeness and understanding you desire can be attained through much less work, time, and energy than you might previously think.

Here's what not to do:

• Don’t set a timer when you talk.

• Don’t talk super-fast just to get everything said in the time allotted.

• Don’t discipline your spouse if they go a little over.

No one wants to be nagged about a time limit when they are expressing themselves. Be practical not rigid. You do not have to follow this exact but just try to keep the conversation as short as possible. It's a rule, not a commandment.

Here's what you can and should do:

• Listen and be agreeable and encouraging.

• Clarify and get to the specifics of what is being said or asked.

• Kindly help your spouse if they are struggling to say what they need.

• Find your humility

The last point "find your humility" relates to the first rule "Use Gentle Beginnings." Conversations have a higher projected success rate when you start with humility. Perhaps you might discuss how you will find your humility as a couple before discussing the problem at hand.

Try it. You never know what might work for you!

Rule #3: End Your Linking

Do you remember making paper link chains in grade school? It was fun, and the longer you made the chain, the more fun it became. Linking is like that, but in serious conversations, linking isn't very fun.

Linking is when a couple begins a conversation with one subject in mind but then ends up linking multiple issues to it, often not entirely solving the issue at hand. Linking also involves getting off subject or getting distracted during a conversation.

Here's an example below. It won't be hard to guess who the dominant "linker" in the relationship is.

Kevin: “Ashley, I’d like to talk to you about the checkbook.”

Ashley: “Sure.”

Kevin: “Will you leave the checkbook next to my backpack when you are done with it, please?”

Ashley: “I can do that.”

Kevin: “Because last week I wanted to order a pizza and I couldn’t find it. You know, I can’t seem to find quite a few things that you misplace.”

Ashley: “I do? Like what?”

Kevin: “A lot of things. It seems you are really like your mother in how forgetful she is. Just the other day she forgot to pick up the kids, remember?”

Ashley: “Well, I don’t think it was exactly like that, but...”

Do you think this conversation will have a happy ending? Nope, not even close.

So, how can you stop this behavior? Most couples don't even recognize they are linking at first, but that's ok! With some practice, you can stop it.

When you have a problem that needs to be addressed, just simply discuss that problem without any additional clutter. The solution is about being mindful-- leveling with your tendency to link problems together and choosing not to. It will take some time to get this down, but soon you'll be communicating way smoother than before.

Rule #4: Edit What You Say

You are much more attractive when you edit what you say. Yep, it's true. Perhaps the most important rule that helps couples thrive is the art of editing. It's important to know what doesn't need to be said, or just what could be said a little better.

Here's an example:

While on their honeymoon, a wife asked her husband how she looked in her new lingerie. He said that she looked a little chubby but was still hot. She turned right around and went back into the bathroom. After some coaxing, she came out with a hotel robe on, and that was the end of that evening.

Do you see how this situation would have gone way better with some editing? It all boils down to this: Some thoughts simply don't need to be said.

As you are navigating healthy communication with your spouse, having conversations about hurtful words/topics and what to avoid can definitely help.

It's impossible to say the right thing all the time, but it is possible to say things better.

Rule #5: Slow Down

Think of this rule in the context of driving.

Like speed limits slow down vehicles on the road, happy couples literally slow down their speech when they communicate. They use personal discipline and follow the rule of slowing down, even if their instincts are telling them to speed up.

Unhappy couples behave and communicate with the same reasoning as bad drivers. They speed up when they talk. They let their emotions dictate their conversation. They recklessly hurry through issues in an effort to resolve them, thinking that this will allow them to get what they want and therefore be happier with each other. By speeding up, they feel they are being more productive. They feel they are more in control and that they have the upper hand in the debate.

This is not so. In the end, they are more distant from their spouse when they started.

The more important the topic, the more you should slow down. This is similar to when you are driving; the more dangerous the road, the more you should slow down. A successful couple knows that if they slow down, they can be careful and edit as they go, and ultimately, they can be more precise and accurate.

By going slow, your spouse will understand you with more clarity. As you travel through issues together and by taking caution with the speed of the conversation, you will be closer at the end of the ride than the beginning.

Rule #6: Only Discuss Issues When You're "Off Hot"

All couples need to take a type of ice bath before they have a conversation. They need to start and finish their conversations cool and prevent unreasonable “inflammation” as they talk.

Unhappy couples fail when they are resolution focused and not closeness focused. They believe that issues need to be quickly and completely removed for closeness to grow. They are hot about their issues most of the time, and they make the mistake of discussing them when they are hot.

Happy couples try to start cool and end cool. Never head into an issue hot-tempered. Cool yourself and come prepared to be closer to your spouse instead of focusing on resolving the upsetting issue.

To cool yourself means you come back to talk after you mentally prepare yourself to enthusiastically work together with your spouse.

Have you noticed that a lot of these rules have to do with how you begin a conversation? Good. Now we know you're listening.

Rule #7: Allow Restarts

Have you ever made comment and then said, "What I meant to say was...", but your spouse didn't let the first thing go? This rule ensures that you can have another try at saying what you really mean. No record of the first comment will be saved.

Communication in relationships can be messy, especially when discussing difficult topics. Because of this, it's easy to make mistakes. Even when you are doing your best to start with gentle beginnings and edit your words, you will mess up. Expect it from yourself. Expect it from your spouse. We are all human. Try to remember that your spouse is doing their best and that they should be allowed to express their best words even after a few bad tries.

When a couple doesn’t restart, or allow a restart, the contention and communication clutter escalate quickly. The damage of those words can last a lifetime, so don't let it.

A restart doesn't just happen on the speaker's end; it should also shift the mindset of person being spoken to. You must let the last words go without inflicting a consequence for the past comment. Instead of dwelling on what was said or how it was said, give your spouse a second to edit and restart-- a clean slate.

This allows for efficient communication without causing unnecessary debates or arguments. Happy couples assume the best about their spouse. Unhappy couples assume the worst.

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If you are here on this site, we know you must be discouraged and increasingly unhappy in your marriage. Contrary to what it may feel like, there is a way through whatever problems you may be facing together, and no, it's not divorce.

When you follow the rules outlined in this post, we promise you will experience rapid improvements in your marriage. These improvements will be lasting, you will know how to handle problems as they come, and you will no longer feel lost and confused.

Sometimes it can be hard being accountable for all of these rules. We get that. That's why we are here to help. Set up an appointment with us today to begin your journey back to closeness with your spouse.

Set Up Your Appointment

Like what you're hearing? To learn about our 3 tools for married couples and some more tips, check out our book, The 7-8-9 Marriage.

Read The 7-8-9 Marriage